We all want to save the day; here is a list of tried-and-true guidelines and ten practical steps to being that hero or heroine you dream about. Disclaimer: the author is not responsible for any injuries which might result from over-ambition on the part of the reader.
Guidelines:
- Never doubt the chap with the great lines, even if they're lines only the villain gets.
- Always sit with your back to the window and Never pull the curtain.
- Flaunt the important Document or secret Item where anyone can see
- Girls, always let the villain hold your hand when you're lying.
- Always walk down the dark alley at nighttime, Alone and Unsuspecting.
- Always let the villain know that you know what he wants to know.
- Never trust people who try to warn you; certainly don't listen to them.
- Never kill Unnecessarily
- If the bad guy yields, don't suspect him of trying any tricks.
- Drink anything you are given and talk all you want.
- Men, always trust the beautiful vamp.
- Be Sullen and Sulky when the villain is questioning you.
The Steps:
10. Dress Up
Make yourself a signature -- for Tintin, it's a quiff and plus fours, for Indiana Jones, it's a slouchy hat. Make a statement, and wear something that will eliminate all doubts as to your identity. You could go in for the Zorro thing -- or maybe you prefer to always wear neon blue.
Note on shoes: Wear something you can run in -- for gentlemen, something sturdy like jackboots; for girls, pumps are all right if you practice in them first and have strong ankles, but some type of boot would be as stylish and safer.
9. Inform Your Trusty Sidekick
First, of course, you have to find one, and that is not always easy. It could be your valet, your best friend, the policeman on the corner, or the villain's spy -- but you ought to have one. If you don't want to take him or her with you on your mission, you must at least do your duty in telling him where you'll be and outlining your plan (all the better if he is a traitor). Don't forget to start, 'This sounds crazy, but I have a plan . . .'
8. Have Your Weapon and Know It
This is essential. If it is a broadsword, be sure it is sharpened and clean. If it is a bow, make sure your arrows are straight. If it is a tear-gas-grenade, know how long you have to run away. If it is a hypodermic syringe, know just what's in it.
Note on Revolvers, Semi-Autos, and other Handguns: The optimal choice, but YOU MUST KNOW HOW MANY BULLETS YOU HAVE. You never know when you'll want one (or not -- if, for instance, you lend the gun to the villain to hold you up with.)
7. Rehearse Your Stunt Moves and Escape Methods
These, of course, could be taken from your favourite film, or anywhere, for that matter. Please don't hurt yourself. Also, remember that villains sometimes know jujitsu. If you are a martial artist, all the better.
Note on Escape Methods:
The old standbys are jumping out of windows, switching off lights, and being rescued by the sidekick. Now you know why you had one in the first place.
6. Choose Your Method of Conveyance
You can have fun with this -- please, by all means. Motorcycle, Lamborghini, helicopter, pterodactyl, water-skis; your call. Do remember that the villain may instigate a chase -- in this case, a speedy vehicle would be your best wager. However, if he takes off in a private jet, you'll have to use your brains rather than your Bentley.
5. Gather Your Gear
You may need nothing more than an electric torch -- or you may need rations, radios, code books, TNT, detonators, ice picks, camouflage, anti-tank shells, all-terrain vehicles, minesweepers, parachute, and a hardbound copy of How to Survive in the Jungle. If your last name is Bond or you have an intimate friend who wears goggles, gloves, and a white coat generally, you need to be extra certain you have everything you need before you set out. You wouldn't want to be stuck in a jellyfish-tank without your corrosive acne-cream, would you?
4. Review Your Arsenal of Witty Banter
One of my personal favourites, you must be sure to prepare and memorise a list of good pointed remarks and touchés for that moment when you and the villain face off. If you can keep it all in your head, bravo and be my guest. Just be sure you know what you're going to say when the villain chuckles 'So we meet again.'
If you are short on time, or if you are the dark, taciturn sort (for whom I am willing to make many exceptions), you may just want to think up a signature one-liner for yourself. 'Go ahead. Make my day' is a good start. Practice it with all the voice, too. Delivery is 95% of a good line.
3. Know Your Enemy's Weakness and Hold Your Trump Card
If you want to win, you must know your enemy's weakness. That's all there is to it -- and if you want to have fun, save your trump card for the last minute. Forgetting it is always a good touch -- just be sure you remember before the villain squeezes the trigger.
2. Calm Your Nerves
There aren't very many successful, hysterical heroes or heroines. Most of them have one thing in common -- stolidity in the face of danger. Be sure that you have a straight face and that your arm isn't shaking when you set out to save the day. You could steady yourself in any manner of ways -- will-power is the best.
1. Turn Off Your Mobile Phone
There's lots of world out there -- and anyone could be tracking you. (Are you scared? You should be.) If it isn't the villain, it will be your Trusty Sidekick, or your Irascible Aunt, or your Royal Bodyguards. Just turn it off. You can do this on your own.
So what are you waiting for? Get out there and save the world. Somebody is always threatening world peace. You know how -- stop him!
No comments:
Post a Comment